Betrayal Takes A Toll On The Soul
by HopefulPlace
Summary: Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can almost see the life I could have had, in the fragments and shards of a broken mirror that once showed the reflection of an innocent girl.


**Summary: Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can almost see the life I could have had, in the fragments and shards of a broken mirror that once showed the reflection of an innocent girl.**

 **Disclaimer: If I actually owned the 39 Clues, what am I doing on a fanfiction website?**

* * *

Sometimes if I close my eyes, I can almost see the life I could have had, in the fragments and shards of a broken mirror that once showed the reflection of an innocent girl.

Now, I think the mirror would show another girl. Worn out and stained with blood, but it's not hers.

It's the blood of everyone that's she's ever hurt.

Once, when I was young, I was tasked by my middle school teacher to ask an adult in my life that I admired what dreams they had served as their motivation to become successful. The moment I arrived home, I went straight to my father's study and asked him what my teacher had told me to ask.

My father laughed at my question, and it took me a moment to realize that the laugh was a mocking one and not one of affection for me, my naive question.

"Sinead, let me tell you something." He rose from his seat and bent down in front of me. "I never dreamed of anything when I was your age. Instead, I focused on science and math and the facts in my life, and that's what drove me to become successful. Not petty, useless, airy, dreams. Dreams are nothing, Sinead. They are only a method of distracting yourself from your work. They are only a method of procrastination from whatever work you could be doing."

I ended up making up the entire project. I said that my father dreamed of working as an CERN researcher from a young age, and achieved it by working hard.

All lies.

The truth is, Ekaterinas don't believe in dreams or hope. They believe in hard, clear, facts, in order to drive the world forward. Ekats believe that in order to be completely focused on work and making advances in science and technology, one must get rid of all petty thoughts and think logically and with reason.

I didn't.

I thought with my heart instead of my mind.

The one time I needed my intelligence to save me I decided to ignore it.

* * *

I can close my eyes and think back to the time when my betrayal was revealed.

When I ran out of the car. When I was forced to hit Amy. When he found out.

When everything in my life came crashing down on me.

When the girl in the mirror became splattered with red.

The thing is, I didn't go home after my fight with Amy. I knew I never could; after the Clue Hunt, my relationship with my parents became increasingly strained, and although they had cared for me for eighteen long years, I knew they never wanted a girl- my parents are traditional like that. Plus, at first, when they went to the medical office to see whether my mother was with children or not, the doctor said that she was having twins at first. Excited because they wanted two children in the first place, my parents started to buy double of everything. Then, a later scan showed that my mother was actually going to be birthing three children, and my parents' excitement deflated (and I wish I could say a little, but) a lot.

So there was really no way in hell that they would ever take me back, Vesper traitor I was.

Oh, and the "he," you ask?

Mapping out the men in my life, there aren't many. Ned, Ted, my father, and the Cahill 2nd generation: Jonah Wizard, Dan Cahill, Ian Kabra, and... Hamilton Holt.

Hamilton freaking Holt.

The love of my life.

The red that stained the girl in the mirror.

* * *

I can remember the time that I first considered him a romantic interest.

A crush.

On a Tomas.

I was insane.

Or was I?

In spite of this, I shared a mutual relationship with him. After all, in my books, blowing up someone's siblings is worth more damage points than being forced to work together with that same someone.

Then, one day, he says it. "Would you like to- um,- go out-" He stammered, gulping. "-with me?"

I felt my face becoming flushed and pink, and I turned around to face him. "What?"

"Would you like to go out-" he started again, this time starting out a little stronger. "-with me?" Finishing on a squeak, he shrunk back slightly.

I remembered turning around and going back to filing papers. "I'm guessing you want to meet at the park. Fine. I'm free from 3:00 to 8:00."

I couldn't see his reaction, but I heard his relief from behind me. "Oh. Wait. Yeah? Ok. I'll- um, I'll meet you at 3:30."

What had happened to the careful Ekaterina girl who was so cautious about protecting her Ekat pureblood status?

I guess she faded away with the rest of the girl in the mirror. The innocent one.

* * *

If I squeeze my eyes shut I can remember everything about our love. Our fleeting, carpe diem of a love.

There was the first date. Then the second one. Then it turned into dates that weren't set at all, just a meeting where we snuck off to our own little places, our own little moments.

I remember our first kiss, the first moment I got to feel warmth completely surround myself until I was in the middle of a feeling that I never wanted to let go of.

And I remember our last moment.

When we met in the Vesper tunnels, he turned his back on me as fast as he could.

Didn't want to be associated with the Cahill traitor.

Didn't want to admit to a relationship.

Didn't want to admit ever loving the red-stained girl.

* * *

If I close my eyes one final time, it brings me back to the battle that destroyed something in everyone.

A friend, a sister, a mother... and a boyfriend.

After the battle, after we all regrouped at a seaside home, I went down to the shore.

But I wasn't alone.

Also sitting in the sand was Hamilton. He was leaning back a little, looking calm and relaxed but actually tightening his muscles.

Preparing for anything hostile coming his way.

I remember swallowing hard, and then making my way towards him.

 _"What do you want, Sinead?"_

" _Hamilton, just let me explain, I'm so sorry for-"_

" _For what, Sinead? For letting innocent people die? For letting people get hurt? For almost helping the evil people destroy the world?"_

 _"Hamilton, please,"_

 _"No, Sinead. Just go. Please. Just get away from me."_

I did.

And I left.

There was nothing left in Massachusetts that I could live for anymore.

I had lost my family, my home, my friends, my love...

If this was endgame... what came beyond?

I left Massachusetts that night. I left a note for my brothers to see, with a phone number for them to use if they wanted to contact me.

 _A note._

What a coward I was.

I left the only family I ever had, in exchange for an organization that cared for nothing else than their own well being. How could i ever expect to play with fire and not end up with the devil dominating both of my shoulders?

I went to England that night. I went straight to Stratford-upon-Avon and sat in the church where all the clue hunters had gathered. I looked up to find a mosaic of God that I hadn't noticed before.

If I was going to confess my sins, this was about the best place to do it.

So I talked. I talked, I ranted, I told the ceiling everything. I laughed, I cried, I... I was truthful.

I talked about the 39 Clues (did you know, God, that one of the clues was hidden in this very church?), the Vespers (they were like bastards sent straight from hell), and the fact that I wasn't even religious (I only went to Christmas mass once, God. It wasn't even that fun, no offense.).

It felt good, confessing everything.

But in spite of it all, I still couldn't cleanse the blood from my hands.

* * *

I can open my eyes now.

Stop remembering the pain.

Stop remembering the past.

But I can't, not really.

I can never let go of my sins.

Not when I'm apologizing, not when I'm confessing, not ever.

Because of what I've done... no one is going to accept me anymore.

But I understand.

Because I can't really accept myself anymore.

So to everything that comes after this, I sincerely hope you make the best of your time living in my soul like a parasite. Use it wisely; make me feel guilty; make me feel sad; make me feel angsty.

Because I deserve everything that you throw at me.

* * *

 **Well... that ended up darker than I intended.**

 **Don't forget to review! I'd love to hear your thoughts!**

 **A/N: I hope I didn't offend anyone in the church scene. I just wanted to put Sinead in a situation where she could really sort of confess to everything without anyone else judging her for it and hating her for it. I'm really sorry if this offended any of you, and you have every reason to hate me if it did.**

 **See you soon!**

 **SineadStarlingrox**


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